


reasons to walk away

by rileyrites



Category: Carol (2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, the phone call
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-05 01:44:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17909636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rileyrites/pseuds/rileyrites
Summary: The call had never gotten this far before- she could never let it, not if she wanted to hold onto whatever shreds of self-control still clung after the trip out West. But tonight, she let herself indulge, keeping that sweet, low voice close for a little longer.





	reasons to walk away

She knew who it was going to be before she picked up the telephone.

No one else would be calling Carol so late at night, apart from Abby, and they had already talked earlier that. Well, if _talking_ was another way of saying that Carol had cried, and Abby had tried to offer what little comfort she could in the way of little updates that would mean absolutely nothing to anyone else but meant the whole world to Carol, and then she had hung up and drunk probably a little too much rye than she should have done.

Which was probably why, when the telephone rang, instead of letting it ring out as usual, or picking it up only to drop it back down as her breathing threatened to make her head spin, Carol snatched up the receiver and held it to her ear on the second ring. Before common sense could talk her out of it, and before she could think for a second about what would happen if Harge found out about this, or Fred, or those doctors who knew everything about what had happened but knew nothing about-

_Hello?_

She closed her eyes. Most of the time the telephone rang out, and Carol would turn over in bed and try to ignore the feeling that someone was slowly pouring concrete into her stomach. Sometimes, she would push down on the button but keep the receiver close, as if she could have it both ways, pushing and pulling all at the same time. Other nights, the phone would be shoved away like it burnt, like it personally was responsible for the fact that Carol's heart had been torn out of her chest and left in a corner somewhere in Waterloo. And there was the rare times that neither of them said a word, but listened to the other's breath while trying to hold their own.

The call had never gotten this far before- she could never let it, not if she wanted to hold onto whatever shreds of self-control still clung after the trip out West. But tonight, she let herself indulge, keeping that sweet, low voice close for a little longer. 

_Carol?_

Her shaking hand was at the mouthpiece before she realised, one finger touching her own lips like- what? Like she would be able to feel the other mouth at the end of the line? God, what she would give for that to be possible, even for this brief minute. What she would sacrifice for her name to be said like that, over and over until she fell into sleep. Her mouth twitched into a smile for a moment at the thought, at the _sound_ of that voice saying her name as if they could still be- as if there was still something-

The moment of panic that followed that thought was all it took for Carol's finger to find the button, but she let it linger for a moment. In that moment, she could imagine saying something back- anything, because every single word she had and would ever use belonged to the woman on the other end of the telephone. It was so easy just to open her mouth, let it rest against the mouthpiece and take a slight breath. And it would be easy, _so easy_ , to give in to what she had wanted for all these months and just speak.

Her lips brushed against the hard plastic, and her finger shook as she pressed down. She couldn't- couldn't let herself hear any more, not if she wanted to stick to what she had to do. For Rindy, and for Harge.

For herself.

For Therese.

**Author's Note:**

> Yikes, y'all.
> 
> I'm not entirely sure where that came from but I went with it? Just a sad little oneshot to balance out all of the fluff I inevitably write.
> 
> This is my first fic in the Carol and also any fandom, so please leave feedback if that's your thing! And come find me @rileyrites on Tumblr.
> 
> A huge thank you to C, because she's been... literally the best and so wonderful in all ways. And thank you for reading!
> 
> \- Riley


End file.
